COLD WALLET - Mark Reviews Movies

Cold Wallet, Well Go USA

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Review by Mark Dujsik | February 27, 2025

John Hibey's screenplay for Cold Wallet seems to know what it's talking about when it comes the world of cryptocurrency. It's filled with technical jargon and the parlance of online discussions on the subject, and we believe that its main characters have become so invested in their digital investments that they can't see an obvious joke of a scam when it's staring them right in the face. They've invested in a new type of cryptocurrency that only promises a great return on the real or digital money they're putting into it. If they had some understanding of the basics and history of economics, they might realize that putting a lot into Tulips isn't the best idea.

Hibey and director Cutter Hodierne are a bit cheeky like that on occasion in what becomes a fairly standard thriller about questionable people doing questionable things. Indeed, the cryptocurrency at the center of the plot is called "Tulip," and after its value drops to zero and the online exchange service for the currency shuts down, our trio of naïve but still wronged protagonists meet in an empty parking lot to come up with a plan. That they're meeting near the shuttered storefronts of a couple of businesses, which became big news when online traders tried to boost the stock prices of those companies, can't be missed.

The movie's winkingly cynical edge, though, remains in the background of this story, which has a clever and pointed premise but can't follow through on it. Basically, it revolves around our three anti-heroes deciding to take back the money they lost by holding the cryptocurrency creator hostage and forcing him to give back all the real funds he stole.

There are several ways Hibey's screenplay could have proceeded from that idea, and the writer seems to think that trying most of them is the best approach. It's a takedown of the shady promises and practices of an unregulated crypto market on one hand and a comedic take on a hostage thriller, in which the abductors aren't exactly up to that task, on the other. The movie tries to give itself a few other hands, too, while trying to be a legitimate thriller and also a serious look at desperate people pushed beyond their moral limits.

Using two hands as a metaphor for a movie attempting multiple things is an apt one, because it's often difficult for most movies to juggle two ideas at once. Here, the filmmakers go for at least four and leave us wishing the whole effort was a bit more straightforward.

That's only so that the movie might have worked as a thriller, because the setup is so intriguing. Billy (Raúl Castillo) has put all of his money into Tulip, hoping to be rewarded with enough digital currency to get his life in order and prove to his ex-wife (played by Zoe Winters) that he could be a responsible father to their daughter (played by Joanna Sylvie Weinig). He has also, though, convinced his friend Dom (Tony Cavalero) to invest some his own money into the cryptocurrency, so when the exchange shuts down following the death of its CEO, the two men actually owe money they technically didn't have in the first place.

That brings them to Eva (Melonie Diaz), a master hacker who has discovered that the CEO faked his death in order to drain the exchange for his own profit. After buying a gun at a local big box store (and, in a nice satirical touch, getting some rewards points in the process), the three break into the mansion of Tulip's CEO Charles Hegel (Josh Brener) and start forcibly working to convince him to hand over what he stole from unsuspecting investors.

There is a sense of righteousness here, because Charles, beyond being an insufferably sardonic guy, is little more than a glorified, tech-savvy thief. It's tough to enjoy the movie on even that level, though, as Hibey constantly undercuts his three protagonists in increasingly unsettling ways.

Initially, they're just incompetent, being stopped by Charles' groundskeeper, setting off every alarm possible, and finding themselves unsure of how to handle the tech millionaire when, obviously, he refuses to simply hand over his "cold wallet," a flash drive where digital currency can be kept offline, and its passwords. Eventually, that obstacle for the self-proclaimed Robin Hoods (itself another likely in-joke for this crypto culture) becomes a wall for the plot, leaving the three protagonists to bicker and talk technology, Charles to attempt to appeal to each of his abductor's greed, and everyone to sit around waiting for a package to be delivered to the mansion.

Eventually, it becomes even tougher to root for this trio, as that gun is inevitably used, or to have much patience for how many times the script circles around the same points. It all leads to a showdown and chase through, as well as outside, the mansion, and for as clever and caustic as the early humor of Cold Wallet may be, it all leads to a shallow and predictable thriller.

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