Who's Next?

Who's next?

Horror worries that it will be next in America's 'war on abstracts'

Article by Mark Dujsik

ATHENS—After a meeting of the United Abstracts, whose headquarters is located in the birthplace of their father Philosophy, multiple representative concepts held individual press conferences to reiterate and elaborate upon many key issues involving the current world climate. Usually these meetings come and go without any notice, but "With the situation, as it is," spoke UA President Unity, "we thought it important to bring together the world's media to attract public attention to our organization's concerns."

It all started after the events of September 11, 2001, when the United States declared a war on Terror. Since then, "we've all been affected—directly or by association," said Compassion to a group of reporters. "I've still had problems convincing people that I had no involvement in [President Bush's] campaign stance as a compassionate-conservative… Now, he may have taken the politicizing of concepts and ideas too far."

Many of the other represented concepts agreed. Horror took the opportunity to wonder, "Who's next? Me? Then who? Hate? Declaring war on one of us only opens the door for a unilateral war on abstracts." After decades of being associated with the trials and suffering of War (who seemed secure in the thought that "a war on me would be absurd to a degree that even Irony couldn't wrap his head around"), Horror wanted to remind people of his true nature: "Terror has usually cleared out by the time I get there."

Opinions on the present military situation in Iraq and the potential for future conflicts are decidedly split in some cases. Will stated that he was "overjoyed to be associated with a side that seems to have a good chance of winning." Many may recall Will's association with a failed attempt to conquer Europe in the 1940s, but he is much more optimistic in this case. "That Bush guy seems to have the me to pull it off," he joked.

On the other side of the metaphorical aisle, Good declared concerns that the US may be overreaching their bounds. When asked what she thought of the prospect of future attacks on members of Bush's axis of Evil, Good simply stated, "I have the prior claim. I've had it for centuries. Don't stand in my way."

As for the abstract at the head of it all, Terror did not stay for a conference and could not be reached for comment. Many members of the UA noted that his appearance at the meeting was "surprisingly low key." Understanding spoke unofficially on his behalf: "He still has ill feelings about the sudden turnaround, but I think if they ever need his help again, Terror will be there for the United States, just as he has been in the past."

Through it all, Peace stood idly by, but with a note of melancholy in her tone, she said, "No one's called me."

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